Isn't it wonderful

It has been awhile since I updated the blog and that is a good thing. It means that I haven't had time to stop and write and have been out and about living. Well sort of, I am up and about more and even driving left footed to work twice a week, at least that is my goal, so far a few things have gotten in the way of meeting that goal but I am hopeful that in time I will consistently make it to the office twice a week. Working from home has kept me sane through this ordeal but being able to go into work and see co-workers makes me feel like life can be normal again.
I have to pat myself on the back since I started using my prosthetic I have surpassed the therapist, doctors and a few family members expectations. My surgeon, who is wonderfully gifted but suffers from surgeon bedside manner, even said he had to give me a hug he was so impressed with my progress. That was nearly 2 months ago I wonder what he would think now. My physical therapist stopped my therapy sessions after 9 out of 20 prescribed. She said to keep working on my own for strength, gave me exercises to do, some still kill me, and wished me good luck. I even brought a smile to my prosthetist face when I did knee bends and squats to check the fit of an adjustment he had made. I asked him what was he smiling at and he said I was doing everything I should be doing to check the fit and how far I had come since my first steps. He has been very patient with me and my less than intelligent questions and I wonder how I got so lucky to find such a great team of experts to help me through this journey.
I have worked hard to get my strength back to my hips and legs but I could never have made it through as well as I have without all the support from family and friends. Family taking me to swim before my prosthetic and all those trips out while I waited to walk again. The constant loading and unloading of a wheelchair wherever I went was appreciated more than they will ever know. The groceries my best friend Patty brought me weekly was my favorite part of the week. It was like Christmas every time she unpacked the bags and I got to see what treats she added on to my list, and rarely did she take my money. And on top of it all she would bring dinner. People wonder at my positive attitude but I cannot possibly feel sorry for myself. Of course there are times that I have looked down and see no foot in the morning and say to myself "oh yeah, I forgot about that". Then I think isn't wonderful not to have pain 24 hours a day. Isn't great to walk my dogs for mile and what hurts isn't my foot but my hands because they won't stop pulling on their leashes. Isn't it great to walk at my daughter's wedding and light the unity candle wearing a regular pretty sandal and a beautiful gown that didn't show my leg so no one knew when they saw me that I was differently-abled. Isn't it amazing that sometimes when I take a step I don't even realize it isn't my own natural foot I am stepping on. And isn't it amazing that my grandchildren don't think twice about my leg. In fact my granddaughter grew so use to it in a few car trips that she told me to "put your leg on grandma B so we can get our food", I take it off to drive for easier access to the pedals. And my grandson has been to nearly every appointment I have had and often comes up to me and pats my leg to make it sure it is on correctly. And what is really cool is being able to take care of my mother again when called upon and no one has to worry that I can't do the physical part of helping her up out of her chairs.
The only real set back I had was last week when my temporary prosthetic was made incorrectly and had to be re-made. The temporary is only for a week to check fit before my definitive prosthetic is made. It won't be ready until next week but I am impatient and want to see what the final leg will look like. I will make a video again when I get the definitive so you all can see the new me.
That is enough rambling from me for the day. Stayed tuned for more adventures.

Walk This Way

I won't add too much story to this, the videos will speak for themselves. The first 2 videos were taken on my camera video and the last 2 are from my phone. Even though some are clearer then others I think you will still get the gist. Now on to gait training and ...

Let's try that again...ahh better, sort of...

Then after a slight adjustment to the prosthetic...

The challenge now is to not push too hard, too fast. Patience is definitely going to be required.

What I look like now...

Hi All,

I though I would give you a quick look at how my leg is progressing. It isn't bad looking or scary just different.

Swimming

Things are progressing with my recovery. My stitches are out and I now only have a couple of regular band-aids. I wear a shrinker on my remaining limb to keep the swelling down and to prepare it for my prosthetic. Next week I have an appointment with the prosthetist to make a cast of my leg and in 7 to 10 day I will have my first prosthetic. In the mean time I am starting to build up my strength and endurance. I am using a resistance cord bench at home for strength training and have started to swim.
Yesterday was my first day back at the pool since last summer. Some of you may know that since my feet were so compromised I took to swimming for exercise, no impact and great aerobic exercise. I utilized the pool before when I was getting ready for Mike and Beth's wedding and recovering from several breaks. So I know first hand it is a very effective way to get back into shape.
My sister Dee came with me and assisted me in and out of the pool and watched me diligently in case I ran into trouble. She of course said that she hoped she didn't have to help me because she didn't want to get her jeans wet. The pool does have a lift but there was no one there to operate it and they weren't sure if it was working. I lowered myself from the wheelchair to the cement and scooted on my butt to the pools edge and lowered myself into the pool. I love the pool. It is the one place where I feel almost normal. I can bounce on my left foot without much impact and I can stand without fear of falling. I am a good swimmer and my upper body is even stronger now from months of lifting myself and using the manual wheelchair. The one thing I was not ready for was my right leg having a mind of its own.
When I made my first lap I concentrated on using both my thighs for motion and not using my lower legs. It was not so bad, but when I tried to swim the backstroke and use my legs I could not get the mechanics right. I felt like my leg was not listening to me at all. When I stopped swimming and rested I noticed my leg kept floating up and I had to really concentrate on keeping it down. It was sort of funny, I say it is trying to get away and find my foot.
All in all, it was a good experience and I have 2 more sessions scheduled for this week and my goal is to swim 3 times a week. I know that each time it will get easier and soon I will do things automatically but for now it is still new and a bit challenging.

One of these things...

Is not like the other... does anyone remember that song from Sesame Street? Not much to say but thought I would give you all a visual of what stage I am at now. Next week the stitches come out and I will post what it looks like then. Hollywood never leaves my side so that is his furry little back next to my left leg you are seeing.

The Unveiling - and going forward.

First let me say that if you ever need to convalesce go to Peggy's. She made the first few days easy and normal. She did not hover but still there when I needed her. My dogs had stayed with Peggy and they were very happy to run in her yard and her house. Hollywood was even more adventurous then ever and decided he would take a swim one day. Luckily I saw him jump in and only mildly panicked, okay maybe more than mildly, I was screaming "he's in the pool, I can't see him splashing". Peggy got him to safety and later that day Chad moved the stairs from pool so he could not jump in again. It wasn't until later that I heard Peggy recount the story and say there was a brief moment she didn't hear splashing and was a little concerned.
The days vanished and Tuesday was upon me. This was the day I was getting my cast off, my nerve block removed and was meeting with my Prosthetist.
I took a pain pill in advance and ate lunch before Mike picked me up for my appointment. I packed a travel sickness bag and true to me and pain killers I was using it before we left Aurora on the tollway. My stomach was still upset when we arrived at the doctor but we were put in a room almost as soon as we got there and Mike was able to make sure I got a trash can in case I lost my cookies again.
Thomas the Prothetist met us at Kelikian's office so my whole team was there. Kevin, Kelikian's assistant came in and the unveiling began. Thomas had started the process of removing the cast and Kevin came in to finish the job. I felt like he was claiming his territory, after all he has removed nearly every cast I have had in 7 years.
Kevin was not very gentle as he removed the cast and bandages below but after he asked how long it had been since surgery and realized it was only 5 days he slowed down and was a little more tender. As I was being unraveled I was unraveling. The layers peeled off and I turned my head towards the wall unable at first to look for more than a second. We all know that feeling when you fall and knock the air out and you can't breath for a moment or two. That's how I felt. As much as I prepared myself I still had no idea what it would really look like. I forced myself to look but couldn't keep my hands from my face to try to hide it, like a child hiding from the scary movie on the TV. I cried, as hard as I tried not to, I couldn't keep tears back. Thomas and Kevin kept telling me how good it looked, and Thomas was next to me saying it was okay to cry. He said he saw people at all stages of the process and it was okay to cry and my remaining limb looked good. Kelikian came into the room pulled the 6 inches of tape holding the nerve block in place and the nerve block in about 10 seconds. He looked at the sutures, said it looked good, see you in 2 weeks to remove the stitches and staples and told me I was in Thomas' hands now and left. I felt like life would be normal since he was acting like his old self again.
And then my next challenge began. Within minutes of not being able to look at my leg I was learning how to put a shrinker on it and put on the rigid dressing (a cast like cone at the end of my left made for additional protection). And now I am capable of doing it on my own and have cleaned around the area of my knee with alcohol to remove the surgical markings. It is not scary any more and Mike described it best as a baseball with the stitches the way they are located.
I am home now, my friend Al who had come in to town to help me transition to home life again, has gone home and my dogs are sleeping next to me. I started working part-time today and will return to full time next week. The stitches come out on Tuesday the 7th and the next steps to getting my new foot will begin. I will keep posting as the process goes on and will eventually post some pictures of my new leg and me standing. Until then each day I get better and stronger and life becomes more normal, or normal for me.

The Hospital Stay

There is very little of interest that happened in the hospital except for the food, not the hospital food it really sucked, but the food that was brought in. I had the nerve blocks taking care of most of my pain, in fact one was inadvertently put under the cast so I had it for 3 extra days until the cast came off, providing me with extra pain control and letting me take only a few additional pain pills when I went home. I did feel some discomfort and did take a pain pill on Friday but basically I was still doing well with the blocks. So I can't tell you I was in agony, writhing in pain and go for sympathy.
I kept lifting my leg amazed at how light it felt. Remember in addition to having 2 1/2 pounds of me removed I was no longer wearing 2 1/2 pounds of boot. I felt like someone had put the bike in first gear from 1oth.
Mike came up in the early afternoon bringing me lunch, cheese fries and soup from Portillo's, one of my favorite comfort meals. The doctor came in during my lunch and joked with me about my nutritious lunch, he then commented on my view and told Mike and I about several of the buildings and pointed to where he was born. I didn't see where exactly he pointed I was too amazed that he was making small talk. My doctor is excellent but he does have a surgeons bed side manner.
It seemed like no time at all before Judy and Jim arrived and shortly thereafter Jim took a walk and came back with Gino's East Pizza, deep dish sausage and pepperoni. I think it enticed Mike to stay a little longer. I ate a whole piece, which amazed me because I wasn't that hungry but soon as I took a bite of that cheesy wonder I suddenly was hungry again. There was not a bite to spare.
After everyone had gone I fell asleep easily but woke up again at 3:30. The hospital was quiet and the bed was fairly comfortable but I could not sleep.
Saturday came and one of the nerve blocks was removed but since I was left with the sciatic block my pain was manageable. I had cereal from the hospital for breakfast and picked at the lunch when it came, which was a good thing since I become car sick on the way home.
Mike, Beth and Jack picked me up from the hospital and before I knew it I was on my way home to recover for a few days at Peggy's.

Thursday March 19, 2009 Surgery

I decided to wait a couple of weeks to update the blog for two reasons. One, my leg was sore and finding a comfortable position was difficult and two, I wanted to get a clearer picture in my mind of the events of the day.
My time sequence during the day is a little foggy but I am quite clear on my thoughts before surgery. The day started a little scattered. The alarm went off in the morning and I fell back to sleep but I was prepared for this scenario and had already asked Jim and Judy to call me on their way into the city. They were going in extra early to avoid traffic and to get breakfast beforehand. When they called however I thought it was the alarm again and didn't answer. I checked the time on my phone but misread it and thought it was 6:00 a.m. giving me exactly 30 minutes to shower and get ready for the hospital. I panicked and took a quick shower, didn't wash my hair because I didn't believe there was time and dressed as quickly as possible while throwing in the last minute personal items into my bags. I had two bags ready to go, one for Peg's for after I went home and one for surgery. I checked the clock to see how I was doing on time and realized that it was only 5:27 and not 6:27. It was then I decided I maybe getting a little nervous. I called Judy and Jim to let them know I was awake and let them know I was an idiot. I watched QVC and HSN for the next hour.
Mike and Beth picked me up at 6:45 and we made it to the hospital right on time. We needed to arrive by 8:30 and got there about 8:20. I registered and in only a few minutes we were called back. The outpatient surgery only allows 2 visitors at a time in pre op but they let everyone in and even got 2 extra chairs leaving only one person to stand.
Whenever I am highly nervous or anxious in the hospital I start to shake. And gradually my shaking was beginning to start. If you looked at me you would have thought I was very cold. My mind was struggling to focus on everything being said to me, the anaesthesiologist explained what my pain management regimen was going to be - nerve blocks to my femoral and sciatic nerves and a heavy sedative in addition to the regional anaesthesia. Dr. Kelikian came in and showed us where the cut would be and where the flap would come from the back of the leg forward. The nerve block took an one hour and thirty minutes to put in, longer then expected. I do remember before they gave me the sedative that it was painful as they tried to place it in my leg but they quickly gave me drugs because I think my leg kept moving despite my efforts to stay still. I am not sure if I saw the family again before surgery or not but I do remember after surgery everyone walking with me as they wheeled me from the outpatient center to my room in the hospital. Surgery took about one hour 45 minutes. My leg had a cast on it up to my mid thigh so my immediate reaction was that he put on cast instead of a rigid dressing. The size of the cast masked the true size of my leg, and the white of the cast on the white of the sheets also hid how much was taken in the surgery. I do not know what became of my poor foot but I imagine it was incinerated. Since I want to be cremated I truly do have one foot in the grave.
I also remember giving Mike instructions to text and call my boss, and 3 friends that would want to know as soon as possible that I was okay. He used my phone and I had to laugh at his text messages to 2 of my friends.
I remember not feeling much of anything. anywhere. I know that I was having conversations, I remember asking if I had a roommate and finding out it was a single. And I remember that I ate some dinner when it was brought, but I can't tell you what I ate. I do remember one thing clearly, I had a fantastic view. Mike and Beth went home first, and Judy and Jim stayed on after I had dinner but I don't remember much more of Thursday, March 19. 2009 It is sad to know that the day that changed my life so completely is such a muddled memory.

Ond day to go...

I think that we spend half of our lives waiting for phone calls and the other half wishing we didn't answer. I am waiting to hear from the hospital about what time my surgery is scheduled for tomorrow. They should call between 2 and 4, so any time now I will have that phone call I have been waiting for but wish I did not have to answer.

I am going through a range of emotions today, sad, anxious, curious and hopeful. As much as I know this is the best thing for me at this time I cannot envision what it will be like to look down and see no foot. For so long now my foot has been very deformed and painful to look at that I wonder how I will feel when I know longer look at it. It maybe ugly and useless but it is still part of the original equipment and I am going to miss seeing it around.

My sister Peg has come and gone, bringing lunch and taking the dogs and my luggage for my stay at her house. The house is very quiet. It is always very funny to me how two dogs whose combined weight is about 20 pounds can make so much noise and are so adept at making their presence known. Hollywood never leaves me all day but Tootsie is a little more independent and will go and sleep in her crate during the day. I often imagine her talking like Greta Garbo claiming her need "to be alone". I did make sure Peg took her crate so that she can continue her alone time while she is visiting. I can tell the dogs are anxious and as much as I wish they were here tonight I think my entire being is oozing distress signals that those little pups will pick up on and make them more anxious and really the life of a dog is supposed to be happy and full of tail wagging not worrying about their owners.

Well that call came in about 3:30. The woman who called was named Dolores. I think that is a good sign, or at least that's how I am taking it. Surgery will be at 10:30 a.m. tomorrow and we have to be there by 8:30. My son Mike will pick me up at 6:30 a.m. and life as I know it will change. I know that I will probably react like I did after my transplant and wonder what did I just do, but I also know that even if I should question myself everyone will remind me that I have given myself the option to get out of my wheelchair and be part of the walking world again. I actually am in a good deal of discomfort today because I stripped down the bed and it always takes a toll on my foot because I do have to use it a little during the making of the bed. But, the bed will be freshly made and clean for when I come home - I will most likely sleep on top of the covers tonight so I won't have to make it up in the morning.

I have so much going through my mind but not much in a coherent stream so I think I will call it quits for today. The next time I blog will be after my surgery, so see you later.

And the countdown begins...

That sounds ominous doesn't it? It sounds as though the ship is on self destruct and everybody should run for their lives. In fact it is a countdown to freedom, at least sometimes, from this wheelchair. It is the countdown to wearing two shoes, less leg shaving time, quicker pedicures and getting my mail myself. It is the countdown to countless good things. And yet I feel sad for the loss I have to endure in order to gain. I guess this is the ultimate no pain no gain.
Yesterday I went to Phillip's Park Zoo with my sister Judy and her husband Jim. It was a wonderful day, sunny and warm. The park was busy with all the winter shut ins running for the sun. I wanted to go and enjoy the day since I am not sure how long it will be until I go out and enjoy the weather again. Two interesting things happened involving the motorized chair I use. First, a male turkey thought the chair and I was another male turkey (the nerve, I was wearing make up and pretty jewelry). Mr Gobbler followed me up and down the fence of the enclosure. His feathers were ruffled and puffed up obviously agitated but he did not make any overt aggressive moves, something I learned later he was prone to do. Apparently the red chair and the orange shirt I was wearing gave me the appearance of competition. Afterwards I did have to check a mirror and make sure it wasn't the appearance of a waddle that caused his confusion.
The second thing was more pleasant. I made friends with a beautiful macaw named Mango. He was very animated and he and I would bob are heads up and down and twist around to watch each other. He was much better at that then me, since he was practically standing on his head, a feat I was not going to even attempt. While we went through this little game he suddenly said hello. I said hello back, and was stunned that he had spoken. I moved on to another exhibit but was drawn back to Mango. We went through our head bobbing, twisting and contortions but this time I said hello. His head popped up and he stared at me and said hello back. People behind me were giggling at the two of us and our routine and laughed when he talked. I never heard him say hello again while I was looking at the other exhibits. I asked the docent at the entrance about the two behaviours and learned about my turkey's behavior and Mango's. She told me that Mango rarely talks and she thought the chair was probably something new that got his attention. She also explained about the aggressive turkey. Interesting that even in the animal world a wheelchair is interpreted in different ways.
We followed the zoo visit with a visit to the greenhouse to get ideas for the spring / summer planting and topped it off with pizza at Lou Malnatti's. Restaurants can be an obstacle course for a wheelchair and luckily for me I had the electric or I think I would still be stuck between tables. The pizza was great and it was great again for lunch today.
On Saturday I put my life and checkbook in my son Mike's hands. I think he loves me and won't tell them to pull the plug during a nap. He already knows that the checking account is frightening so I feel confident he will not put me debt. I found it hard to read the forms, and not because I did not have my glasses on. It is all too real to put your life's contingency plan on paper and sign off on it.
I forgot many times in the day about the upcoming change in my life and was able to enjoy the day fully. But today I had to get back to reality and make more final preparations at work and with the doctor and prosthetist. I realized I had packed my hospital bag but forgot to back my bag for my sister Peg's house. I think she would appreciate it if I wore clean clothes while there. The iPod is ready, the book is backed, and a dark chocolate Godiva bar is ready for emergency emotional pick me up. I think I am almost ready, or as ready as I can be.

Silly Things You Never Think Of - The Kitchen

Living in a wheelchair I have encountered a few things you would never think ...
When filling your teacup remember to leave plenty of room at the top. It's funny how even a little change from hard floor to carpet can cause sloshing. When you walk you think of keeping your hand even, but from a chair you have to also adjust for changes in the terrain. I hate to say this but on more then one occasion I have forgotten this rule, however, I have learned in these incidents to put the cup or overfull bowl on the end of the counter and when I get on the carpet I pick it up again. It's silly I know but it is one thing you never think of.
The oven and stove are an adventure. First you need to have something to turn on the burners and the oven if you are like me and have an electric stove with the controls on the back of the stove. I use a long pair of tongs that have a silicone end to turn food. While it is great for cooking the end helps hold the knob so you can actually grab. press in and turn. The tip is sturdy enough to hit the on /off button for the oven and to set the temperature.
Cooking and baking is another challenge. The innocent cup of tea can become an adventure to the ER if you aren't careful. First, teapots that whistle are great but make sure the steam pouring out is facing to the back of the stove or you will get an instant sauna for your face. Next, make sure that you are not wearing a sleeve that can touch the hot burner or that you lower your arm when using the tongs to turn off the burner. Either of those cases can leave a mark, yes I know from first hand experience.
Next, think of when you put something in a hot pan or cook ground beef and there is spatter. Naturally you flinch your head back when this happens but when your head is even with the pan even flinching your head back does not get you away from the spray. I have learned to add things very carefully and with tongs. Sometimes my cooking can be described as smoke and mirrors. If I don't use a mirror to look into a tall pot or a dish cooking on the back burner, I end up with smoke. Can I tell you fanning the smoke detector from a wheelchair is an act I have turned into a fine art.
Baking brings me to my knees, literally. Try as I might the only way I can see how the mixer is mixing is to turn my chair around and kneel on it to look in. The mirror doesn't help here because you can't get a good angle. This is painful for me so when I do bake now days I try to do it the day before it is needed so I can recover, no I am not kidding. Also, though I doubt it has to be mentioned taking anything in and out of the oven was tricky for me when I was two legged, now it's a miracle that my CRO boots, wheelchair and arms are not severely scarred. I have no tricks for this except to make sure I wear long gloves, pull the rack out as far as possible and have a spot clear. Doing all those things and muttering to myself "carefully, carefully..." seem to help avoid major accidents.
Today I cleaned my oven - all I will say is had I known the oven installed with my condo in the beginning was not self-clean I would have gotten one immediately. However, this little fact was not known to me until months later when I started to bake for stress relief. It is pretty ironic that what was stress relief before is now stress inducing. My oven is clean and thank you God for making me very bendy so that I could contort and scrub from my chair.
One thing I am very grateful for is not buying the built in microwave above the stove. I moved my current microwave from its corner to an angle on the counter and can reach it easily.
And one other thing you don't think about, when closing the dishwasher door make sure your electric chair is back for enough or you will charlie both your knees and say words that would embarrass a trucker.

A quick reply to Nancy, the cut should be about mid-calf maybe a little higher. They need enough room from both the knee and the bottom to fit the prosthesis properly to high or to low will cause problems. Too high, the knee may not get full range of motion, too low and the prosthetist will be limited in what type of device to use.

What is wrong with my foot? How did I know?

I have been asked to explain what is wrong with my foot that I would need to have my foot amputated.
When I was diabetic I developed neuropathy in my feet, but I also had good circulation. These two things combined can lead to Charcot's Arthropathy. Not all who have these two conditions suffer from Charcot's only a lucky 20% of type 1 diabetics and only about 1% of all diabetics (type 1 and 2 combined).
What happens is that the malfunctioning nerves from the neuropathy tells the foot it needs more blood, resulting in increased circulation. This increased circulation then starts to wash away the calcium inside the bones and they can become weak and fracture. When they fracture it is not one break but many breaks, like a mirror shattering, and in some cases it is like an earthquake in your foot, and the plates move and shift. In the case of my right foot my heel first fractured in many places and then as time went on it shifted and then the heel gave way and basically no longer exists. There are pieces of it here and there in my heel area and if you look at my foot from the outside you can see bones pushing against the sides and bottom of my foot.
Yes it can very painful and as time has gone by the pain has gotten worse. No, I cannot walk on it more that a few steps. No, the fashionable CRO (Charcot Restraint Orthotic) walkers could not stop the progression. In fact the final crumble of my heel happened after I had been wearing the boots.
I was at work August 14th, the day after my transplant anniversary, sitting at my desk at work and I knew that something was very wrong. I went home early in the afternoon and have not worked at the office since. When I got home that day I inspected my foot and could see it was in an active state - swollen, red and hot to the touch. I went into a full contact cast for 9 weeks with no weight bearing a few days later. I did not run immediately to the ER, I had an appointment already scheduled for Tuesday and I knew what was wrong. I kept my foot up and iced and stopped using it as much as possible. I knew I was in trouble and that my foot may not make it. The first time it broke 7 years ago the second thing out of the doctor's mouth was" your foot may be amputated". The first break was not diagnosed correctly for 3 months. By the time it was diagnosed it had already started to deform. If it had not been for my transplant doctor I may never have gotten a proper diagnosis and lost my foot sooner. By the way when these fractures occur it is usually a non-event. The first time I stepped off a chair and slightly stepped awkward, in the last episode with my right foot, I stepped hard going down a stair.
As one doctor said to me about Charcot's, there is nothing I could have done to prevent it from happening and nothing I did made it happen. It just happens.
As far as my left foot it has had a minor Charcot's fracture in the heel and the bones below my toes have fractured several times leaving them very deformed after healing. But at this point in time it is no danger, and I watch it carefully for any changes. Hopefully it will stay stable.
I hope that answer your questions.
By the way if you go to http://www.ballert-op.com/pdf/BKInstructionSheet.pdf you can see what my first prosthetic will look like and see what the process will be once we get to that point.
Let me know if you have any more questions and I will try to answer them the best I can. We all are learning.

Three Weeks To Go

Hello All,

Well it is 3 weeks from surgery and the lists of to-do's seems to be growing instead of getting smaller. Every time I check off one thing I remember two others to add.

This surgery is slightly different from most. Not only does it change me physically but my surroundings must now change to accommodate my new lifestyle. Every time I go into the bathroom I try to decide where the best place to put a bar by the toilet will be, and where the bars by the shower should go. When I take a shower I try to decide what the best shower head will be. What will meet my needs and keep me safe and still be something I like and visually not to intrusive? It may sound trivial, but how I view my surroundings is very important to my mental health.

I have another doctor appointment today, this one is to clear me for surgery. After that I won't see the doctor until surgery. I was wondering today if I would have a room with a good view, after all I will be having surgery in Chicago.

As far as how I feel, physically I have had to take pain medication the last two days. Mentally, I wish surgery was here and I could get on with getting better. I have a vision of Jack , Brenna and I taking a walk to the playground and we all play. It won't happen right away but it will happen.

I will write again next week, maybe there will be something checked off the list and nothing added. A girl can dream can't she?