I think that we spend half of our lives waiting for phone calls and the other half wishing we didn't answer. I am waiting to hear from the hospital about what time my surgery is scheduled for tomorrow. They should call between 2 and 4, so any time now I will have that phone call I have been waiting for but wish I did not have to answer.
I am going through a range of emotions today, sad, anxious, curious and hopeful. As much as I know this is the best thing for me at this time I cannot envision what it will be like to look down and see no foot. For so long now my foot has been very deformed and painful to look at that I wonder how I will feel when I know longer look at it. It maybe ugly and useless but it is still part of the original equipment and I am going to miss seeing it around.
My sister Peg has come and gone, bringing lunch and taking the dogs and my luggage for my stay at her house. The house is very quiet. It is always very funny to me how two dogs whose combined weight is about 20 pounds can make so much noise and are so adept at making their presence known. Hollywood never leaves me all day but Tootsie is a little more independent and will go and sleep in her crate during the day. I often imagine her talking like Greta Garbo claiming her need "to be alone". I did make sure Peg took her crate so that she can continue her alone time while she is visiting. I can tell the dogs are anxious and as much as I wish they were here tonight I think my entire being is oozing distress signals that those little pups will pick up on and make them more anxious and really the life of a dog is supposed to be happy and full of tail wagging not worrying about their owners.
Well that call came in about 3:30. The woman who called was named Dolores. I think that is a good sign, or at least that's how I am taking it. Surgery will be at 10:30 a.m. tomorrow and we have to be there by 8:30. My son Mike will pick me up at 6:30 a.m. and life as I know it will change. I know that I will probably react like I did after my transplant and wonder what did I just do, but I also know that even if I should question myself everyone will remind me that I have given myself the option to get out of my wheelchair and be part of the walking world again. I actually am in a good deal of discomfort today because I stripped down the bed and it always takes a toll on my foot because I do have to use it a little during the making of the bed. But, the bed will be freshly made and clean for when I come home - I will most likely sleep on top of the covers tonight so I won't have to make it up in the morning.
I have so much going through my mind but not much in a coherent stream so I think I will call it quits for today. The next time I blog will be after my surgery, so see you later.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
And the countdown begins...
That sounds ominous doesn't it? It sounds as though the ship is on self destruct and everybody should run for their lives. In fact it is a countdown to freedom, at least sometimes, from this wheelchair. It is the countdown to wearing two shoes, less leg shaving time, quicker pedicures and getting my mail myself. It is the countdown to countless good things. And yet I feel sad for the loss I have to endure in order to gain. I guess this is the ultimate no pain no gain.
Yesterday I went to Phillip's Park Zoo with my sister Judy and her husband Jim. It was a wonderful day, sunny and warm. The park was busy with all the winter shut ins running for the sun. I wanted to go and enjoy the day since I am not sure how long it will be until I go out and enjoy the weather again. Two interesting things happened involving the motorized chair I use. First, a male turkey thought the chair and I was another male turkey (the nerve, I was wearing make up and pretty jewelry). Mr Gobbler followed me up and down the fence of the enclosure. His feathers were ruffled and puffed up obviously agitated but he did not make any overt aggressive moves, something I learned later he was prone to do. Apparently the red chair and the orange shirt I was wearing gave me the appearance of competition. Afterwards I did have to check a mirror and make sure it wasn't the appearance of a waddle that caused his confusion.
The second thing was more pleasant. I made friends with a beautiful macaw named Mango. He was very animated and he and I would bob are heads up and down and twist around to watch each other. He was much better at that then me, since he was practically standing on his head, a feat I was not going to even attempt. While we went through this little game he suddenly said hello. I said hello back, and was stunned that he had spoken. I moved on to another exhibit but was drawn back to Mango. We went through our head bobbing, twisting and contortions but this time I said hello. His head popped up and he stared at me and said hello back. People behind me were giggling at the two of us and our routine and laughed when he talked. I never heard him say hello again while I was looking at the other exhibits. I asked the docent at the entrance about the two behaviours and learned about my turkey's behavior and Mango's. She told me that Mango rarely talks and she thought the chair was probably something new that got his attention. She also explained about the aggressive turkey. Interesting that even in the animal world a wheelchair is interpreted in different ways.
We followed the zoo visit with a visit to the greenhouse to get ideas for the spring / summer planting and topped it off with pizza at Lou Malnatti's. Restaurants can be an obstacle course for a wheelchair and luckily for me I had the electric or I think I would still be stuck between tables. The pizza was great and it was great again for lunch today.
On Saturday I put my life and checkbook in my son Mike's hands. I think he loves me and won't tell them to pull the plug during a nap. He already knows that the checking account is frightening so I feel confident he will not put me debt. I found it hard to read the forms, and not because I did not have my glasses on. It is all too real to put your life's contingency plan on paper and sign off on it.
I forgot many times in the day about the upcoming change in my life and was able to enjoy the day fully. But today I had to get back to reality and make more final preparations at work and with the doctor and prosthetist. I realized I had packed my hospital bag but forgot to back my bag for my sister Peg's house. I think she would appreciate it if I wore clean clothes while there. The iPod is ready, the book is backed, and a dark chocolate Godiva bar is ready for emergency emotional pick me up. I think I am almost ready, or as ready as I can be.
Yesterday I went to Phillip's Park Zoo with my sister Judy and her husband Jim. It was a wonderful day, sunny and warm. The park was busy with all the winter shut ins running for the sun. I wanted to go and enjoy the day since I am not sure how long it will be until I go out and enjoy the weather again. Two interesting things happened involving the motorized chair I use. First, a male turkey thought the chair and I was another male turkey (the nerve, I was wearing make up and pretty jewelry). Mr Gobbler followed me up and down the fence of the enclosure. His feathers were ruffled and puffed up obviously agitated but he did not make any overt aggressive moves, something I learned later he was prone to do. Apparently the red chair and the orange shirt I was wearing gave me the appearance of competition. Afterwards I did have to check a mirror and make sure it wasn't the appearance of a waddle that caused his confusion.
The second thing was more pleasant. I made friends with a beautiful macaw named Mango. He was very animated and he and I would bob are heads up and down and twist around to watch each other. He was much better at that then me, since he was practically standing on his head, a feat I was not going to even attempt. While we went through this little game he suddenly said hello. I said hello back, and was stunned that he had spoken. I moved on to another exhibit but was drawn back to Mango. We went through our head bobbing, twisting and contortions but this time I said hello. His head popped up and he stared at me and said hello back. People behind me were giggling at the two of us and our routine and laughed when he talked. I never heard him say hello again while I was looking at the other exhibits. I asked the docent at the entrance about the two behaviours and learned about my turkey's behavior and Mango's. She told me that Mango rarely talks and she thought the chair was probably something new that got his attention. She also explained about the aggressive turkey. Interesting that even in the animal world a wheelchair is interpreted in different ways.
We followed the zoo visit with a visit to the greenhouse to get ideas for the spring / summer planting and topped it off with pizza at Lou Malnatti's. Restaurants can be an obstacle course for a wheelchair and luckily for me I had the electric or I think I would still be stuck between tables. The pizza was great and it was great again for lunch today.
On Saturday I put my life and checkbook in my son Mike's hands. I think he loves me and won't tell them to pull the plug during a nap. He already knows that the checking account is frightening so I feel confident he will not put me debt. I found it hard to read the forms, and not because I did not have my glasses on. It is all too real to put your life's contingency plan on paper and sign off on it.
I forgot many times in the day about the upcoming change in my life and was able to enjoy the day fully. But today I had to get back to reality and make more final preparations at work and with the doctor and prosthetist. I realized I had packed my hospital bag but forgot to back my bag for my sister Peg's house. I think she would appreciate it if I wore clean clothes while there. The iPod is ready, the book is backed, and a dark chocolate Godiva bar is ready for emergency emotional pick me up. I think I am almost ready, or as ready as I can be.
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